...the discharge was not much and it seemed like the occasional wound discharges we encounter in our practice ;they usually heal in few days only.  This is what i explained to her . She asked me one question only - whether she would be o.k in a months time as it was her marriage anniversary after a month , i said, pretty confident myself, that it will take only few days to heal and that she definitely will be enjoying her wedding anniversary day with her husband . She expressed full faith over me .But somehow that ex-pression of hers chilled my spine that time , i had never seen somebody so confident and assured about somebody's words.Her eyes ,fixed on me while i was dressing her and explaining her , spoke to me as if she trusted me the most . However as it were to happen the discharge did not stop, it ,infact increased significantly . We were suspecting some injury inside during operation but all the reports we did were negative for any type of injury . We sent the discharge fluid for cytology but it came negative. Not satisfied we sent the fluid and the previous biopsy slides to the premiere centre in india for second opinion . It took them a while before giving us the final report ,that the nodules we had seen during the operation were infact the peritonial carcinamatosis with a very poor prognosis and such patient rarely survive beyond a months  time . She had become very weak now and was admitted to the I.C.U. She  would call me whenever she felt anxious or uncomfortable , she still had this faith over me that i would somehow save her from anyhting . she would remind me that i had promised her that i would be sending her home before her 'D' date. What could i tell her! except giving her false assuarances, knowing fully well that each passing day was bringing her to death .It was extremely difficult for me to hide my emotions as i felt so helpless . We did all that we could , taking opinions from the very best and gave her all the treatment possible hoping against hope that something might work for her . But it didnot . Her marriage anniversary day came but she was not in the condition to understand or remember anything . She was recognising only the pain that she was feeling and was constantly calling me to be on her side and asking me to relieve her of the excruciating pain that she was feeling . In the night at around 12.30 the nurse came informing me that she was not able to respire and her heart was sinking . I ran to her bedside and ressuscitated, she survived . We thanked GOD but barely after two hours she again  collapsed despite all the artificial assistance she was on . Again i went and pumped her heart and again her heart restored its normal rhythm . After 30 min she collapsed yet again and this time despite our best efforts we could not save her from the cruel clutches of death . I felt numb as she died in front of me as i was the only one she hanged on to till her last, hoping that i would be her saviour . I felt so worthless ,and so powerless in front of the destiny. Did the fact ,that i and we all had tried our best medically to save her , comfort me ? No, not at all, because the kind of faith she had shown me and the hope that i noticed in her eyes whenever i saw her eyes till the last days was now killing me . I had to save her by any miracle ,and now that she had died i felt as if i had ditched her faith . My soul was feeling very restless and it still does, to this day . I was in shock for few days and could not believe that she was not there . she had left behind a small daughter and a loving husband who cried like a child  on my shoulders after her death for a long time . I know i am not supposed to be emotional about my patients and i know the buisness of life and death very closely but i have never felt so helpless as i have never seen so much hope and trust in the dying eyes and this is why i feel like i betrayed her soul . The contact she made me with her eyes while dying rattles my soul to this day and it will continue to do so . i will always feel that i was not able to fulfill what she was expecting from me . Nobody should put so much faith on somebody that it makes the life  so difficult to cope with . May GOD Bless her soul .